Coping with Emotional Outbursts
Yelling, throwing things, verbally assaulting others – these are behaviors we sometimes see at work, though we wish we didn’t. While we know these emotional outbursts are inappropriate and cannot be tolerated long-term, they still need to be handled in that very moment. Many of our instinctual responses may not be the best communication, as it is easy to have our emotions rise to the level of the person being unskillful. When we stay calm and bring forth empathy and professionalism we help shift the situation back into appropriate communication.
Step-by-Step Guide for Managing Torrents of Emotions
1. Recognize. Often these situations take us by surprise. As soon as we realize emotions have escalated, we can internally adjust. We can take a breath and manage our own emotions so that we are capable of responding and not reacting. This is the one time we do not want to mirror others. We want to counterweight the high emotions with calmness.
2. Empathize. Make a statement to acknowledge the validity of their emotions without any judgement. This is NOT agreeing with the person NOR is it condoning the behavior. It is simply helping the person feel seen so they can better self-regulate. Examples of acknowledgement statements include, “It adds up that you are upset”, “It is understandable that you are feeling bad about the situation” and “I see your point.”
3. Pause. Let them speak and actively listen. Let silence sit after they have said their piece, even if it takes a while. Do not interrupt, even if they are saying things with which you strongly disagree. Times of high emotions are not conducive to rational conversation.
4. Playback. Repeat what you hear the person say almost verbatim. Avoid coming to conclusions or inferring what you perceive they are thinking. A helpful phrase is, “What I am hearing is . . . Is that an accurate understanding?”
5. Segue. We may need to repeat steps 2-4 several times before the emotional person can gain control and communicate appropriately. Once we sense that they have calmed down, we can help them move on. We can share our appreciation that they are communicating professionally and respectfully. Then table the topic for another time. We might say, “How about if we address this issue in our 1:1 later today?”
Sometimes the behavior is so out of hand that it makes us feel unsafe and requires immediate departure from the space. When that is the case, we can take breath to compose ourselves and then calmly state, “I understand that you are very upset. I am going to leave now, and we can discuss this further at a later time.” Then walk out regardless of what they say.
Extreme cases or repeated incidents of emotional outburst by a colleague require Human Resources involvement. If we left because we felt unsafe or we need to deescalate a few incidents with the same person, it is time to ask for organizational support.
Everyone is responsible for their own emotions and their communication. Yet, we can still help each other out as we all ‘have our moments’. For occasions when one of our colleagues is uncharacteristically emotional and unskillful, we can be professional and use the five steps of recognize, empathize, pause, playback, and segue to help them regain equilibrium. It is a top strength for emotional intelligence and effective communication to not only be able to manage our own emotions but also to help others manage theirs.
