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Picking Up Nonverbal Cues

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Have you ever noticed that we can tell the nature of a conversation from across the room or even if people are speaking a different language? By simply watching a conversation as if it were a silent movie, we can pick up so much meaning. We can tell if people are getting along or disagreeing and which person is more dominant in the conversation. We can tell the emotions they are experiencing and if they are understanding each other.  We know these things, and so much more, by picking up cues from nonverbal communication.

This innate human ability to interpret body language signs can also be intentionally honed so that we are more attuned to nonverbal communication cues.  To sharpen our ability, we can do two things 1) learn common meanings of nonverbal signals and 2) practice interpreting cues.

Learn Common Meanings

In all languages facial expressions for similar emotions are universal, so that is a good place to start.

Facial expressions of emotions

 

Sketch by Thomas Graff

 

 

A furrowed brow has a negative meaning – disagreement, fear, or confusion. A closed mouth is also negative – disgust, anger, or sadness. A smile is positive – happiness or agreement, though it also can mean submissiveness depending on other signals. A wide-open mouth means surprise and can be negative or positive depending on the eyes. The eyes tell a story on their own by how open or closed they are and where they are looking. They also communicate by more subtle means. For example, watery eyes indicate a strong emotional response.

Posture also tells a story. When people lean in, they are indicating interest and when they lean out the increased distance can mean lack of interest, disagreement, or power positioning.

An important note when it comes to posture: the height of the individuals engaged in conversation makes a difference if their heights vary significantly. Taller individuals leaning in on shorter people convey a power play or dominance. Part of posture is what people do with their arms and their legs. When limbs are crossed the meaning is typically closing off and protecting. Wide leg stances and big arm movements are signs of being confident and sometimes of taking power.

This comparison of two Shutterstock photos demonstrates how leaning over is an exertion of power compared to sitting beside someone.

 

There are plenty of resources for learning more about nonverbal signals and their meanings, including curated articles on the Science of People.

Practice Interpreting Nonverbal Cues      

To further improve our interpreting skills, we can observe nonverbal cues and then check to see if our interpretations are accurate. We can do this with our friends, colleagues, and even strangers. We can watch friends or colleagues in conversation with us or in conversation with others and guess how they are feeling. Then we can check if we are right through a compassionate (and not too probing) question, such as “How are you feeling in the chaos of all these people in this small space?” or “Wow, you seem excited, what are you celebrating?”  Strangers are fun to watch in a café or an airport. We can guess the nature of the relationship of the people interacting – friends, romantic partners, family members. We can also guess moods. To check the accuracy of our interpretations, we can listen in on the verbal interactions. For example, we might look at the line of people waiting to speak to the check-in agent at an airport gate. As they get to the front of the line we can confirm if our interpretations of nonverbal communication were accurate or not by what they say to the agent. The guy we perceived to be angry, might file a complaint with the agent and the two women we guessed to be friends might actually ask the agent to sit next to their sister.

Here is an amusing YouTube clip on playing that nonverbal cues guessing game at a café.

Nonverbal communication is such a significant part of how we understand one another that improving it increases our overall interpersonal communication effectiveness. My hope is that we can enjoy exploring the meaning of nonverbal cues.

What do I do with my hands and feet?

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Getting on stage or standing in front of a conference room can be a nerve-wracking experience. Once we’ve figured out what to say and how to speak eloquently, the next hurdle is what to do with our hands and our feet. We know that nonverbal communication is up to 85% of the message we communicate, but our limbs can feel like foreign attachments when we are in the public eye. My clients will not be surprised that I recommend being intentional and adapting to the audience, but it is helpful to have some actionable advice. We can find a strong stance for our home base then move our hands and feet to make specific meaning that reinforces our talking points.

Find a Home Base

In between movements or gestures, it is comforting to have a place where our hands and feet can rest so we feel confident and (mostly) comfortable. Place our feet hip width apart with our toes pointing toward the audience, rest our elbows on our bodies next to our hips, and place one palm up with the other hand lightly resting on top palm down. This pose is an excellent confident home base for public speaking.

Make a Hand Move

Use hand motions that relay meaning and specifically connect them to words in the speech. To be at the ready, we move our hands can apart and bend our elbows a bit more. The general understanding is that palms up is positive, movement up is growth/acceleration and movement down is the opposite. Palms moving together is joining/connection while moving apart shows size/extension. Here are some specific examples of common talking points and associated hand motions.

Talking Point

Associated Hand Motion

“Team cooperation has really increased.”

Hands come together and then move up

“We achieved this and that.”

One palm up and then the other palm up

“New sales increased; renewals declined.”

One palm up moving up, the other the down

“We are expanding across the globe.”

Flat palms together then move apart

Take Step in the Right Direction

A slightly wider-than-hip stance with toes pointing forward and shoulders squared is the most assertive stance for public speaking. This is a good pose for being at the ready to move our feet. We can take a step back with one foot and rest on that hip to convey relaxed confidence. Then we can move that back foot forward and the upper body forward a bit to emphasize an important point. Some like to move across the stage, but the walking motion can easily become meaningless and distracting. To move effectively, take two steps in one direction and then pause and face the audience. This will generate enthusiasm to emphasize a particular piece of content without being distracting.

What we do with our hands and our feet is always sending a message in public speaking. When we are intentional about the message we send, our communication is more effective, and we feel more confident.

Manage Power Dynamics with Communication

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“Like energy is the basic medium in physics, power is the basic medium of human relationships,” Dacher Keltner, PhD as heard on the WorkWell podcast.

It is easy to be blind to power dynamics because of our democratic-society culture.  We want to believe that all people are equal, but that delusion puts us at a disadvantage in being able to actively manage power dynamics.   

Power in a macro sense is our ability to make a difference in the world, and in a micro sense power is our ability to influence those immediately in our presence.  All relationships, all human interactions, inherently have a power dynamic. Awareness of that dynamic gives us the advantage of intentionally managing it. We may not be able to instantly change positional power, but we can change referential or earned power with the people in our presence through communication. We can use both verbal and nonverbal communication to both give and take power.

In sharing this advice, I am assuming that your intentions are to use power for good, to enhance the lives of others, and to lead compassionately.

Giving Power through Communication

To ‘empower’ someone is to shift some of the power in any given dynamic to another person in that dynamic.  There are many times when we want to give power to others for the betterment of teams, organizations, and even for ourselves. We may want to give others power when delivering constructive criticism on a team, seeking multiple solutions for issues in an organization, or working to gain a broader perspective personally.  For example, in a group meeting where one person has less advantage – perhaps because of race or gender – another person with greater advantage can give that person power by mentioning their contribution to a successful project or directly asking for their input.  These verbal means to give power include kind words, acknowledgement of difficulties, compliments, and asking open-ended questions. 

We also give power through nonverbal communication, helping others feel heard.  Nonverbal means to give power include:

  • shifting body weight to one foot while standing
  • crossing legs (sitting or standing)
  • leaning elbows on table when sitting
  • clasping or putting hands together
  • tilting head to one side
  • consistently smiling
  • speaking quietly
  • speaking at a quick pace

Taking Power through Communication

While the thought of taking power may initially seem selfish, there are many benevolent reasons to take power in an interaction.  When we see situations as unjust for ourselves or others, when important information is being ignored, or when respect is not being given, that is the time to take power. In some organizations and some situations, the power dynamic needs to shift in our favor so that we can benefit others and lead compassionately.  We can verbally take power by raising our voice, asking for a turn to speak, or interrupting others. Interrupting with short phrases, such as ‘time out’ or ‘hold up’, is a way to grab attention so our voices can be heard.

Verbally taking power is often perceived as confrontational, so nonverbal means may be more effective in some situations. Nonverbal ways to take power are:

  • standing up when others are sitting (going to draw on a white board is effective)
  • standing square-shouldered with weight on both feet directly facing another person
  • shaking hands firmly
  • making direct eye contact
  • sitting at the top end of a conference table
  • leaning far back in a chair with arms wide
  • using grand hand motions (even when sitting)
  • speaking slowly (after garnering attention)

It might feel strange to intentionally give and take power as described above, because we’ve been enculturated to believe that we naturally share power evenly. But, if we find ourselves in situations where the outcomes are not what we wish, it will benefit us to learn and use power-shifting communication skills. The most important takeaway is to be aware of power dynamics.  Once aware of the dynamics, we may be able to trust our natural instincts to adjust the power balance using the strategies described above.