The Wisdom 2.0 conference just celebrated its 10^thyear, seven of which I have attended and come away from inspired.  Listening to leaders in a wide range of fields who practice mindfulness for pursuing excellence is an awesome learning experience.  This year, hot topics included social media as society’s mirror, reducing biases in the tech industry, therapeutic psychedelics, and eliminating ‘us-them’ thinking. Here are bits of wisdom from mindful leaders that inspired me.

Social media amplifies what is inside us already; it is a magnifying glass for human nature.

Envy and competition have always been there, but so have compassion and community.  Jay Shetty of Making Wisdom Go Viral emphasized that there are actually more wonderful shares on social media than we think.  A recent Inc. article highlighted a study that looked at 777 million Facebook posts to see which were shared the most; not only were most of the shares positive, but the top 10 were all positive.  Jay’s motto is SHARE GOOD, FOLLOW GOOD, CREATE GOOD – definitely wise words.  Diego Perez, the real-life Instagram famous Yung Pueblo, seconded that sentiment with his perspective that social media is a means for humanity to have a conversation with itself.  The worthy goal of that conversation is to master the skill of kindness to others as a human collective. In terms of moderating social media use so that is healthy for overall wellbeing, Jay reminded us that, like in all of life, self-discipline, habits, and practice are what make the difference.

We all have biases; change starts with seeing them.

Improving diversity and inclusion in the technology industry is not an easy task.  While it is hard to notice the lens through which we see the world, practicing mindfulness helps us see more clearly.  Candice Morgan at Pinterest, Jules Walter at Slack, Nancy Douyon at Uber (and previously Google, IBM, and others), and Bradley Horowitz at Google are all focused on progress for diversity and inclusion in the technology industry.  Candice had a learning moment when a young black man told her he felt like he always had to have his work badge visible so people knew he belonged in the building.  Jules reminded us that when you are the ‘only one’ it is hard to be vocal, and that it’s helpful if people don’t assume but rather ask and try to understand different approaches and perspectives.  Nancy helps companies have a global-first perspective, such as Uber taking cash in India. Candice spoke of an internal study that revealed that the most effective managers were those who sought input on how best to communicate with others and showed humility by talking about mistakes. 

Shortcuts to enlightenment have limited but valuable use.

We’ve been hearing more about psychedelics in the news since Michael Pollan’s “How to Change Your Mind” book came out.  Science is demonstrating that therapeutic use of psychedelic drugs can have similar effects on the brain as meditation does.  However, as Dan Siegel put it, for most people drugs aren’t needed because we can reach that same brain state and get many more benefits with mindful awareness.  The real value of psychedelics seems to be in the treatment of PTSD and in end-of-life care.  Rick Doblin, founder and executive director of MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) is leading Phase 3 human trials for MDMA therapy to address PTSD in veterans, with promising initial results.  Researchers at John Hopkins are doing psilocybin research for terminally ill cancer patients, again with promising initial results.  Every leader speaking on this subject emphasized the important difference between recreational and therapeutic use of these brain-changing substances.  While science is demonstrating valuable therapeutic use of psychedelic drugs, most of us can stick to changing our brains through mindful meditation.

The moment we separate ‘us’ and ‘them’ we’ve lost the cause. 

Paul Hawken, well-known environmentalist and editor of “Drawdown, The Most Comprehensive Plan Ever Proposed to Reverse Global Warming,” has been advocating for the earth for decades without making enemies.  From the outset, “Drawdown” was designed to share possibilities for solutions without passing judgement so that everyone can be involved.  When asked a question about big oil companies, Hawken immediately pointed out placing blame on those companies was an ‘us-them’ perspective and not helpful for implementing solutions to the existential threat we all face.  

All communication starts with an intention, whether we know it or not. Being aware and deliberately setting our intention improves our interactions with others.  

Imagine this: you walk into the office and your coworker stops you on the way to your desk to tell you a funny story about a client interaction. Instead of laughing, you brush them off and hurry to your desk. Most likely your intention was not to hurt the feelings of your coworker. More likely your intention was to quickly get to work and respond to urgent deadlines. The intention was subconscious, not deliberate. If it was deliberate, right when you saw your coworker you may have said, “Hey I’m up against a deadline, can we chat later today?” This simple example shows the benefit of being aware and deliberate about our intentions.

It only takes a second.

Setting intentions is not like setting goals. We don’t need to spend a lot of time figuring out exactly what we are trying to achieve. We just need to pause, turn inward for a moment, and notice. We can ask ourselves the question, “What are my intentions here?“ and trust whatever arises as the answer. All of this can happen in just one moment.

We have relationship and content intentions.

In communication we have intentions around relationships with others and around content. In our individualistic American culture we tend focus more on the content than on the relationship elements of communication.  An example of content intention is getting others to understand information we are sharing so that we can reach a project goal. An example of a relationship intention is to make others feel respected so that every member of a team contributes to a project. In a meeting, these two different types of intentions will lead to different styles of communication. If we have the ‘others feel respected’ intention, we will not talk very much and most of our speech will be confirming language in response to what others are saying. If our intention is to have others understand the information we are sharing, we will likely talk more and periodically pause to ensure understanding.

Balance is Required.

In many circumstances, conflicting intentions exist and we need to find a balance. I see this often with clients during media training. The spokesperson has the intention to ensure the reporter understands key messages, and also has the intention to make a personal connection with them to build a relationship.  In this case, spokespeople need to balance their content and relationship intentions. I recommend dealing with this dichotomy of intentions by kicking off the interview with a concise preview of key messages and then letting the conversation flow, asking questions of the reporter as much as answering questions with evidence and stories.

There is danger in subconscious intentions.

Sometimes we get ourselves in trouble when we are not aware of our intentions. Because intentions drive our communication style, without awareness we can offend others and hinder our interactions. One creative way to avoid this danger is to write our own ‘User Guide’ that makes our overall intentions explicitly clear to others.  I read about this idea from Jay Desai, CEO of PatientPing, a First Round Capital portfolio company. Desai has seen “ . . . too many immensely talented and productive teams stall because of a subtle misunderstanding of how to best work with each other.” The ‘User Guide’ specifies exactly how we operate and when we might malfunction in order to mitigate the danger of miscommunication. In Desai’s example, preferred methods of communication are ranked, priorities of time spent together with him are set, and implicit biases are stated. This candid written communication can help optimize our working relationships with others by informing them of our general intentions. Creating a ‘User Guide’ does not preclude the need for us to be aware of our intentions at the beginning of every interaction.

Start at the very beginning.  

As Julie Andrews sings in the Sound of Music, ‘Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start’. We will communicate more effectively if we start at the very beginning and deliberately set our intentions the moment before interacting with others.

In this month of giving thanks, I pause to consider all the wonderful people with whom I am lucky to encounter in my work.  First, I acknowledge that I am among the small percentage of people in this world who get to do what they love for a living — super grateful for that.  Mostly I am grateful for the people I coach, who are making the effort to improve the world one communication event at a time.

What I see in people is their willingness to embrace change, both personally and organizationally, in order to improve the status quo.  I see people finding ways to keep a human connection.  The leaders whom I coach prefer anonymity, but here I share a few stories with changed names to highlight the human wonder I encounter daily.

Embraced Discomfort:  Sitting in a room full of boisterous men, Brenda has a hard time getting a word in edgewise.  She is an intellectual equivalent with good insight, but was not taught to raise her voice to get attention.  During communication coaching we address the at-odds values of her family culture and corporate culture.  We generate ideas on how she can be heard in the boardroom and keep true to her own values.  What is amazing about Brenda is her willingness to step into discomfort and try new techniques.  She experiments with ways to grab attention that are foreign to her upbringing and she pushes her colleagues to consider ways of working that are more inclusive to every person in the organization, not just her.

Faced Fear:  Herman is an awesome communicator in small groups, but goes into a panic speaking in front of an auditorium of people.  At our initial meeting, Herman wants tricks to get around the panicked feeling.  He asks where he should look in the audience and how he should hold his hands so people can’t see them shake.  I give him the hard news that those tricks won’t really work and he needs to take a deeper look at the source of the anxiety. Amazingly for a successful, high-powered executive, Herman is willing to look inward and do the challenging work of self-discovery.  Over the course of several months, he addressed the internal fears that he had never previously acknowledged.  We brainstorm ideas of facing those fears in the moment while speaking and he puts them into practice, improving his public speaking dramatically.

Dealt with Difficult People:  Jane says her boss doesn’t listen and has nothing positive to say, but she likes her job and feels a strong connection to the overall organization.  During communication coaching Jane wants to know how she can change her boss. Unfortunately, she cannot.  The power to change lies only with ourselves, a fact that Jane comes to accept over time. We brainstorm ideas and Jane finds ways to shift her attitude, in a genuine way.  What is wonderful about Jane is that she learns to listen to her boss in a completely different way, hearing what is not being said.  In particular she starts to hear the incredible pressure and stress her boss is under.   This allows her to become more compassionate about the negative talk and being brushed off. She also finds ways to be more direct in asking for what she needs from her boss.  It would be much easier to blame her boss and just complain, but Jane does the challenging work to improve the situation by changing what is in her control.

These three stories are just a few of many that bring me joy in working with wonderful people willing to face and overcome communication challenges.  In this month of gratitude, my hope is that you too encounter human brilliance at work.

Our ability to communicate well with others actually starts inside our own heads, with our ability to listen to ourselves. Thich Nhat Hanh, author of over 100 books including The Art of Communicating, points out that we can’t really engage adequately with others until we first communicate with ourselves well.

In this book I found many precious tidbits that I had not thought of in quite the way he phrased it. A big take-away is how important our self-communication is to our wellbeing and to our communication with others.

It all starts with the breath.  Awareness that we are breathing brings us to the moment and gives us access to ourselves in the present.  “The quiet of nonthinking and nontalking gives us the space to truly listen to ourselves.”  How often do we listen to ourselves the way we would like others to listen to us?

We start by giving ourselves the gift of deep listening.  Deep listening is listening with the intention to help without passing judgment.  When thoughts and emotions arise, we hear them and give them space, but do not judge or take action.  “These feelings are like a small child tugging at our sleeves.  Pick them up and hold them tenderly,” wrote Thich Nhat Hanh. In this listening with the purpose of helping, we are listening with curiosity to understand better.

Listening to our own thoughts, we may be surprised what they are saying.  Often they are not rational or even in line with our current true beliefs, but rather just automatic regurgitation of past things we were taught or have experienced.  Whether we are aware of them or not, they are still influencing us.  It is better to be aware so that we can make the active choice whether to the follow their lead.  This is the benefit of listening to ourselves well – it moves us out of autopilot and gives us more choices in how we communicate and act with others.

For example, I sometimes hear a thought in my head of bias against people with heavy accents.  The irrational thought is that they are less intelligent. I don’t believe that nor is it in alignment with my values.  When I hear that ‘less intelligent’ thought arise, I choose not to follow where it would lead, which would hamper my listening.  Instead, I hear the biased thought as I listen to myself well, and then I choose deliberately to practice active listening with that person.  I am curious to learn what they know.  If I were NOT listening well to myself in that moment, my implicit bias might automatically influence my interaction with that person without me even having a choice!

Listening to ourselves eventually leads to self-mastery. With self-mastery we can know the tendencies of our own minds.  With extensive practice, we have the awareness and the discipline to stand above our arising thoughts in the moment and determine their wisdom prior to words coming out of our mouths.  It all starts with a breath and a moment of turning inward and listening to ourselves. Try it right now.

 

Jennifer Kammeyer combines 25 years experience with academic research to advise leaders on how to intentionally use communication to elevate professional relationships and improve business outcomes. She offers coaching one-on-one, in teams, and through workshops. As adjunct faculty at San Francisco State University, she is up to date on new communication research and trends, allowing her to advise professionals on a wide range of communication topics. Popular training topics include building executive presence, leadership communication, public speaking, high-value meetings, and mindful communication. She has been personally practicing mindfulness since 1999 and incorporates concepts and techniques in all of her teaching.

If there is an inconsistency between body language and speech, research shows that the listener will believe the message conveyed through body language over that which is said. Body language is louder than words. We have all been in the situation where a friend tells us everything is fine, and we know darn well it is not. How do we know? Their body language.

The Washington Post ran an article on President Tump’s body language, stating that reporters find it more telling than any statements he makes. His handshakes indicate what he thinks about other world leaders and his facial expressions are much more honest than his words.

Body language seems obvious when we see it. It accounts for more than 55% of communication. When are listening to others, we are constantly reading body language, including facial expressions, posture and hand motions. Sometimes this listening is subconscious and other times we are well aware that what somebody is wearing or how they are standing is making an impression on us.

Yet, we tend to be less aware of the nonverbal messages we are sending. If we are going to a job interview or a momentous occasion, then we think about what we are going to wear, but that is often the only time. And rarely do we think about how we are sitting in a chair or waiting in line is making an impression on others. Our facial expressions are mostly automatic and don’t always give the impression we want to give, hence the term ‘resting bitch face’ was born.

According to Deborah Gruenfeld, Professor of Leadership and Organizational Behavior at Stanford Graduate School of Business,
“When most people are preparing for a situation where they want to have influence, they tend to think a lot about what they say. Rather than thinking about what you are going to say, you need to think about what your body is telling people.”

In the academic arena of Communication Studies, there are six elements of nonverbal communication.

• Appearances & Artifacts – your physical looks, what you wear, and your accessories
• Kinesics – how you hold and move your body and your facial expressions
• Haptics – how you touch other people to communicate
• Proxemics – the distance you stand or sit in relation to other people
• Chronemics – how you use time to communicate
• Paralinguistics – your voice qualities including pitch, volume, and pace

Since body language plays significantly in the power relations of communication, let’s consider a few examples and the how the nature of power is determined by nonverbal communication, using American social norms as the basis.

What is more powerful, a red dress/tie or a blue dress/tie?
What is more powerful, chest high and shoulders back or slumped shoulders?
What is more powerful in a meeting, standing or sitting?
What is more powerful, a loud voice or a soft voice?
What is more powerful, being last to arrive or first to arrive?

If you answered the first item every time, you are right, and I bet that little quiz was super easy. We all know strong body language when we see it, but that doesn’t translate in to us using the body language we know is strong. With a bit more awareness that can change.

Awareness and intention are key. First, spend a month just being aware of your nonverbal communication. Notice how you sit and stand and the qualities of your voice. Ask your friends or coworkers what habits you have. Do you sit forward or lean back in your chair? Do you interrupt others or rarely speak in meetings? After a bit of self discovery through awareness, set intentions. If you want to be respected in meetings, sit upright and speak loudly. If you want to show respect for others, don’t interrupt and nod your head when they are speaking. Gruenfeld speaks of Playing High using authoritative body language, such as taking up maximum space, and Playing Low using approachable body language, such as smiling frequently. You need both skills and you need the wisdom to know when to apply each.

Observe others you admire in your life and notice what body language they are using and when, and then emulate them. Above all else, remember that your body language speaks louder than your words.

“If you take a step-by-step perspective, then you will not get discouraged in accomplishing something grandiose.” Matt Gamache-Asselin, Co-founder and CEO of ScriptDash, a modern pharmacy.

Speaking to my Leadership Communication class at San Francisco State University, Matt shared advice about leading his start up ScriptDash.

He said when they started the company they had this grand vision of creating a new modern pharmacy, but the task seemed daunting and he remembers being overwhelmed at the thought of reaching that goal. He said that changed over time after he started just taking one step at a time. The first step was just to put up a website and have it such that somebody could order the prescription online. That was a step he and his co-founders could handle. The next up was when someone placed an order, actually getting that prescription to them. That too was a step they could handle. Matt discovered that after handling many of these steps one after another and solely focusing on what was directly in front of them, that the series of relatively simple steps added up to accomplishing the big goal.

In leadership communication academic terms, we call this fractionation. Fractionation is breaking up a big problem into smaller problems that can be handled. Fractionation helps because when the problem is in smaller, less complex pieces, people often feel more comfortable confronting specific and defined issues. Often times when broken down, each piece carries less emotional weight.

While Matt doesn’t know this term since his education is in engineering, not communication, he explained this technique for a big project like starting a company. But it can also be used for any size problem. For example if a team is having issues with completing a task, that problem can be broken down into smaller elements in order to be solved. In the case of a team that is failing to complete their stated goal, the problem could be broken down into items such as compatibility of communication styles, available resources, cohesiveness of schedules, and capabilities of team members. Each of these items could be addressed separately as a relatively simple solution, and then after several steps the entire problem will be solved.

The point is that we should not let the initial perceived complexity of a goal hinder our enthusiasm. Because, as Matt says, “Many things in life are difficult, but very little is not possible.”

November is the month in which we celebrate thanks. Thanks for our family, friends, and colleagues. While we each count our blessings for different things, much of what we are grateful for is the people in our lives. How do we express that gratitude? The obvious answer is by telling people, the less obvious answer is through active listening.

When people feel truly heard, they feel appreciated. We think we listen everyday, but often the person on the other side of the conversation doesn’t really feel heard. Listening seems easy, but it really difficult. Part of what makes it difficult is all the talk that goes on in our own heads and the amount of distraction our senses constantly filter.

Let’s take an example. You are sitting in a meeting and a colleague is explaining the results of a recent project. At first you are watching her intently and hear not only every word, but also notice details like how she is standing and the volume of her voice. Then a thought pops into your head, ‘I wonder who helped her on that PowerPoint.’ Pop, listening degrades. Then a fire engine siren from outside catches your attention. Pop, listening degrades. The nature of being human is to be distracted and that makes good listening difficult.

Improving listening skills, like everything in life, takes practice. This practice falls in to two categories: silent and active. The silent practice is training your mind to quiet down and avoid being pulled by sensory input. The active practice is honing your ability to put all attention on to the speaker.

Julian Treasure, sound expert, says that just 5 minutes of silence a day changes our listening. There are many ways to get silence every day. Meditation is one and there are endless types of meditation from focusing on your breath to silently repeating a mantra in your head. During meditation, your senses give you input and you return to your breath or the mantra – you are practicing focusing your mind. The more focused mind will find it easier to listen to someone with greater attention.

The active listening skill can be honed through intentional activities. One method is to keep your mind actively engaged on the speaker through noticing verbal and nonverbal elements of the person. Focus on what they are wearing, how they are standing or sitting, what they are saying through their facial expressions, and on the volume of their voice. Take mental or written notes to summarize their key points in your own language. All of this intentional activity will give you the ability to react in ways that makes the person feel heard. You will look physically engaged because you are and you will have better questions and comments because you will have assimilated the content in a more thorough manner.

Farnam Street recently had a post on Listening and the Learning Lens that well articulated an active listening technique. Because information enters the brain through our senses, the lenses we wear make a difference in how we communicate.

There are lens distorters (limits of language, differences in histories/cultures, current context, irrational expectation of rationality) that change the way we each listen, but mostly we fall into either the ‘lecture’ or ‘learning’ lens. Taking the learning lens increases your attention on the other person and makes the conversation ‘a journey of discovery not a battle of wits.’

Another listening skill builder that is apropos for this month is listening with gratitude. This is hearing with a filter of thanks and appreciation. As somebody is speaking, think of what you like about this person and how he or she contribute to your work or your life. Listen for how what they are saying right now will somehow make an improvement in something. Then you will naturally think of positive feedback to give that person to make them feel heard and appreciated.

It is human nature to assume that our current perceptions are real and right. But ‘real and right’ is a matter of being situated in a particular time period in a particular part of the world.

Two recent occurrences brought the idea of ‘time period matters’ to the top of my mind. The first was the Medium post by Karen X. Cheng and Jerry Gabra showing how magazine covers have changed over time, and the second was a discussion in my Leadership Communication class about how leadership theories morph over time.

Things we as a culture hold true today are not things other humans held true in the past nor will necessarily hold true in the future. Intellectually, that is an easy concept to grasp. The problem is that we don’t hold this concept top of mind when we are communicating with others. The ‘real and right’ perspective is problematic because is narrows our listening of others, limiting our ability to find commonality and get along peacefully. Our perspective can be vastly broadened when we realize that real and right is conditional.

The Evolution of Magazine Covers was a recent Medium post that exemplifies that time period matters. The display of magazine covers for publications ranging from Cosmopolitan and GQ to the New Yorker and National Geographic showed just how drastically our ‘real and right’ has changed over time.

 

The percentage of female body parts exposed increases significantly, and the hairstyles change. The amount of text on the cover of National Geographic decreases, and the language becomes much less scientific and more colloquial. The headlines on the magazines reveal what was top of mind in that given time period. The article dubs it, “survival of the fittest, capitalist edition,” but it is also a reflection of what our society deems important and appropriate. ‘Right and real’ changes over time, just like the magazine covers.

Teaching Leadership Communication at San Francisco State is awesome because every class has students from every walk of life, bring together many varying perspectives. We recently discussed how leadership theories, and I could hear the judgment in students’ voices as they commented on older theories centered on a person’s inherent physical traits. The indignant sentiment expressed was, “Of course it is not true that a large person with a deep voice is naturally a better leader than a small person with a high-pitched voice.” Not true? Not true when? Not true where? In our time, in our place, we think that judging leaders on their physical traits is sexist and racist. But in past time, this was ‘real and right’ for a group of people. This brings up questions like, what changed? At what point did that cultural moral compass shift, and why? By asking these types of questions, we can gain a deeper understanding for the transience of real and right.

Seeing how others thought differently in the past helps us to realize that how we think and act now may seem totally absurd to another people in another time. Springboarding from change over time, we can apply the same realization to spatial, cultural, and social differences. Even our own perceptions, which we often perceive as a fixed component of our character, are really quite malleable. By acknowledging that our ‘real and right’ is not permanent, not pervasive, we can have a more open mind. With a more open mind, we have a broader listening of others. When someone says something outside of our ‘real and right’ zone, we won’t immediately dismiss it as wrong. We might consider their opinion and listen respectfully, even if we disagree in that spatial and temporal moment.